Grief is about knowing what really matters

Grief is a common experience, although in its grip you can feel utterly alone.  Beyond the more visible losses like death, grief can arise from the loss of care we didn't receive as a child or stigmatized issues like incarceration or abandonment.  Grief is one of the most powerful emotional experiences and is like an emotional smorgasbord, offering nearly anything from despair, joy, shame, relief or betrayal.  As one of the heaviest emotions, there is immense potential for transformation as grief can help us to understand our values and priorities. Different types of life transitions (even positive ones!) that may evoke a sense of loss or grief include:

• Questioning or transitioning gender identity

• Sharing sexual orientation or coming out

• Career changes, unemployment, retirement

• Marriage

• Death of a loved one

• Break up, divorce or separation

• Job loss or career changes

• Financial gain or loss

• Serious medical illness

• Changes in family structure, such as adoption or birth of new child

Bereavement, what’s that mean?

Bereavement is a specific type of loss that involves the death of a loved one. It can bring on a wave of confusing and rapidly changing emotions. Symptoms of bereavement include sleeping and eating disruptions, low motivation, mood swings and feelings of guilt and remorse. Individual reactions vary depending on whether the loss was sudden or anticipated and the nature of the relationship (family, acquaintance or friend).

When should I seek help?

Grief is painful and overwhelming. But it’s a normal part of life and not a pathology. Grief impacts everyone differently and every loss or transition has a different intensity. The grief that comes up from the loss of friend to suicide is different than the transition of a parent going through the end stages of dementia. The bottom line is, if the grief is getting in the way of enjoying regular daily activities, it’s probably time to reach out for support.

Learning about the stages of grief

Five common responses to grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial protects us from feeling all the difficult emotions at once. We might avoid planning the a funeral or even feel like a joke is being played and the person is still alive. Anger is the first emotion to show up, often as irritability, rage towards others, or random outbursts at strangers. The anger communicates that the situation we find ourselves in is unfair. You may feel abandoned, betrayed or a deep hurt underneath the anger. With bargaining, there is an attempt to understand the unfairness, guilt, and blame by fantasizing about “what if” or “I should have”. This sometimes happens as a conversation with a higher power. The thought “I’ll never feel normal again” is common. The main work in grief counseling is adjusting to the reality that things won’t ever go back to how they were. The sadness in grief is a rite of passage that helps take you from your old reality and adjust to a new reality without the loved one. Talking about the loved one to friends, family or a therapist is the best way to avoid isolation and keep their memory alive. Acceptance is a process of making peace with your new situation. You may not feel “OK” or joyful for a while and that’s OK.